Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
