he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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