life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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