My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
3pm strippers are depressing
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
