My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
