I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
