If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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