Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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