His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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