Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You ruined the universe
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
