It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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