It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
