i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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