One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There's always time for handjobs
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
