I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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