I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
