I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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