I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
