Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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