Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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