Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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