I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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