I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
