i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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