guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
