So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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