i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
