I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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