All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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