There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
