you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
