what day is it and did you see me today?
We got so high we made milksteak
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
it glows. i had to have it.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
