The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
