meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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