Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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