Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
