so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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