woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
