opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
