I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
