News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
