I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
