You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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