i jhust puked up my retainher.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
