You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
