I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
