If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
