i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
