I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
