shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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