Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
