After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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