Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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