I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
